Off Topic With Ashley

You may not be aware I have an irrational fear of spiders. Arachnids, anything with more than six legs really.

Last night I woke up abruptly after about two hours of sleep. I think I probably interrupted a period of REM sleep because for some reason I “woke up” but was still asleep in a kind of waking sleep walk. Paradoxical I know, but I have a habit of doing that.

Anyway, I saw two very large, very spindly almost mechanical spiders crawling at the head of my bed. I didn’t realise what they were at first, so I took a closer look and freaked the fuck out. I launched myself out of bed and across the room. I switched the light on and turned around and they were gone.

Where the fuck were they?

Wait, what the hell, mechanical spiders? Why am I out of bed at one AM with the light on and windows open in my underpants?

I’ve no idea what misfired in my brain that night, but it freaked me out enough that it took about five minutes before I could psych myself to get back into bed. Whatever it was I thought I saw was so completely illogical, but I was still all full of adrenaline and fear, and squirmishness until I fell asleep and forgot about it.

Tonight in bed, I remembered what happened last night and freaked out for a second time. Not because of fake dream spiders, but because the fake dream spiders reminded me of spiders in general.

I have this other particularly bad habit of getting stuck thinking about spiders when I’m laying in bed of a night time. Once I start, it’s increasingly difficult to stop, and it makes for uncomfortable dreams and half-awake squirming. I have these totally involuntary visions of spiders crawling up and over my neck — not doing anything — just slowly crawling toward me and legs everywhere and yuck.

So to fight an irrational fear with irrational tools I try to imagine a personal force shield to keep spiders off me. It works to a degree, but sometimes a spider will get stuck inside the force shield and writhe against my body which is a hundred times worse.

I think when it comes to irrational fears, I can’t beat this one. It’s got a hold of me with more legs than I have arms.