Off Topic With Ashley

It’s difficult being me.

I’d like to have a bit of a moan but when I do, people generally mistake my misplaced sarcasm as some kind of crippling mental illness. Instead, I’ll make a list of things I’d like to do within the next few weeks:

• Get a haircut (real job optional.) My hair’s grown out into an unfortunate tangle of mess. I’m thinking I’m going to grow an afro, because then I can take care of it myself instead of forking out fifty bucks every two weeks for some hack to run a comb through it.

  I think while I’m at it, I’ll get myself a shampoo made from diamonds.

• Go for a walk at least three times a week. I had pizza on the weekend, the bakery’s only had white bread the last two times I’ve visited, and these days the only way to prevent anything from sticking to the pan is to deep fry it. Therefore I’m a big fatty, and as my last purported health regime has by now fizzled completely out of existence, it’s time to be proactive in pretending I give a damn.

• Do some work. You may not have noticed me whinging incessantly about how shit work is on my blog, because I’ve been using the “private post” functionality a lot more of late. This is to stop all of you pervy voyeurs from realising how little money I’ve been making over the last two years and how fantastically unsuccessful I actually am. Work’s picked up somewhat over the last couple of weeks partially due to my ability to vastly under-sell myself, so I’m enjoying record breaking amounts of paperwork I need to finish.

• Tie up my own commitments. I’ve got a complex system for putting off doing anything tangible, and it generally involves multiple levels of tiered procrastination.

• Get into photography. This is this week’s life goal; I want to take some photos around the area so I can suck all the fun out of them with uninteresting technologies I’ve recently discovered.

• Find, befriend and use someone to get very drunk with on their balcony. I think goes without saying, but if you have a balcony, give me a call.