Off Topic With Ashley

I walk out of the house in high spirits. I’m running late, as usual, and manage to forget absolutely everything I need, but it’s a good day.

I run for the train and skip out on swiping my RFID card, since the train was waiting at the platform when I arrived. It’s nine months into the new fare system, and the ticket inspectors still don’t have the hardware to check my card anyway — by fare-evading I may just be able to make back the twenty dollars or so in fees I’ve racked up in the last week.

I plop down into a seat in the corner, and two ticket inspectors come crashing through the door. I whip out my card, and a third dude whips out his shiny new card reader. Today is a horrible day.

He’s not impressed to find my journey’s not registered; though with a bit of luck, a bit of sympathy, and a bit of lying maliciously through my teeth he lets me off with a warning. I am a foundry of mistruths, and I surprise myself with how easily they come. The ticket inspector walks away believing the machine is faulty, and after about ten minutes I am convinced myself that this simply must be the case. There’s no other explanation.

I arrive at Toowong and immediately head to the computer store to buy things. These things involve an USB cable for my phone, which will allow my friendly neighbourhood accountant access to all my deepest, most personal secrets. Ideally all she really needs is the “Money” directory, but I’ve no doubt she snuck a peek in the “Answers to life’s most pressing questions” folder as well.

This woman weaves magic. It seems accountants are a breed not to be messed with. She manages to juggle two years worth of figures in such a way that ends with me getting several thousand dollars of tax returned, in a matter of minutes. I resist the urge to scale the desk and make passionate love to her — somehow — but I do leave the office feeling very happy indeed.

On the way home I make sure to take the effort to swipe on my card. I see about five hundred ticket inspectors on my journey, but none of them have card readers. I conclude that karma must be having a go at me, and make a resolution to do something nice this afternoon. Perhaps plant a tree, or hug a nun.

I do none of these things.