Off Topic With Ashley

I woke up to my phone playing the Sneaker Pimps’ “Think Harder”; a sure sign that Jess was trying to call me. I had a frantic disoriented moment where I thought something really important and life threatening was happening, but as my eyes focused and I became more lucid, I worked out where I was. I was, of course, at home in my own bed, all curled up in my snuggly doona which made it immensely hard to get to the phone; tripping me up and hampering my progress at every turn. It was a good start to the morning really.

I was supposed to be hanging out with Jess for the day, but instead I thought it prudent to neglect my alarm clock, and oversleep as much as I cared to. So when midday rocked around and Jess still hadn’t heard from me, she thought I might need a kick in the arse. I ran around in a flap for half an hour, and Jess picked me up right on one o’clock. We really only planned to chill, and planned to work out if we wanted to do anything when the time came. To that end Jess took me past the drive through to get giant diet cokes, then we went shopping all up and down the northern suburbs of Brisbane.

After an hour of this, my stomach was making displeasing noises, as well as those painful cramps you get when you skip breakfast. And Lunch. And eating, for the last three or four days. I’d done neither, but I’m a fatty who can’t stop eating for an hour, so we stopped at the barbecue stall outside Anaconda.

After we got there, the woman behind the stall gave us a toothy smile and told us they only had one sausage left. I wondered for a second why she was telling us that, and then realised it was because it was all they were selling, so one of us was going to miss out.

“…We can cut it in half for you if you’d like?” she continued after I gave her a sufficiently blank stare and tried to mentally plot a route to the nearest McDonald’s.

“How about lengthways, then?” I asked, which it turned out was like asking Bob the Builder “Can we fix it?”.

The entire sausage sizzle stall launched into action at this challenge, leaving their packing up, and gathered around a rather desolate looking tray of sausage. It took a good minute, but the barbecue chef managed to create a clean, sharp incision right down the centre of the sausage, allowing the sandwich artists to make us two half-sausage in breads. Jess and I decorated them with sauces, paid our two dollars and thanked the peasants; walking off into the sunset.

Theatrics dictate an embellished version of events, but we actually drove; back to Jess’ place in broad daylight, jibing sausage innuendo almost the entire way.

At this juncture, I would like to mention that we did watch an entire disc of Arrested Development, something that I’m not sure was ever intended, and probably exceeding the daily recommended sardonic American mockumentary-sitcom dosage. Coupled with a bit of cola and later on shots of of something akin to a doodle-vacuuming-cowperson, the evening was an instant hit. Jess made hamburgers out of cheese-bacon hybrid patties, and everyone really enjoyed themselves.

I caught a lift to the train station with the lovely Diana, who I haven’t written about before. She’s a regular attendee of Florrie gigs, and was at the pad chillin’ with Scott. Nevertheless we got to the train station, exchanged teary goodbyes, and I started jogging for the platform, as I do. I have a particularly low tolerance for waiting around, and would much rather jog than walk when short distances are involved. This proved an advantageous trait tonight, as the train pulled in right as I got to the top of the third ramp. In the confusion I forgot to swipe “on” my train pass.

Thankfully, I remembered this when I got to the station I was getting off at, and forgot to swipe “off” as well. This has the added benefit that I got out of paying for my train trip, and didn’t get charged a ten dollar automatic fine. The rest of the evening was spent in bed, getting some paperwork sorted. A fitting end to a riveting tale.

I had fun.