For those of you who read my Twitter stream, you’ll already know that I got attacked by a magpie today. It got me a doozy too, and left almost a centimetre cut just under my eyebrow.
I knew it had been hanging around the last week or so, because every time ‘d walk to the supermarket to buy lunch, the damn thing would swoop me. He even hit me in the face yesterday, which I figured was just because it was unsettled by workmen tearing down trees in the park.
Well, I’d had enough, since obviously I don’t like things trying to gouge my eyes out and making me look like a tool running down the footpath waving my arms over my head. Today I figured I’d go an alternative route that took me around the other side of the park, as illustrated in the diagram I’m just about to make up I couldn’t be stuffed making up.
Unfortunately the great flying crocodile patrols that footpath as well, and took a great lunge at my face as I was nearly out of harms way. At first I was shocked and completely taken by surprise. Eventually I was prompted to shout a few expletives at the vile creature, and eventually use a minor Christian idol’s name in vain.
And you know what the damn bird did? Landed in a tree a few meters away, and watched me. Even as I contemplated punching the bastard; imagined myself grabbing it and throwing it into the traffic, it sat there. Glaring with its beady black eyes.
And you know, I’ve never felt so much derision toward a non-sentient being in my life. I swear, I’ve been fantasizing over catching the thing next time it swoops me and putting it in a dark cardboard box. That’s how serious this is getting; my chill-out psyche is ruined.
To get a more positive outlook on life again after inspecting the damage in the mirrors at the shopping centre, I went to the news agency and borrowed their street directory to find a slightly less magpied way back to work. I found one, but it’s a bit of a hike, which I suppose is a small price to pay if I want to keep my eyesight. Still, I’m not impressed.
3 Comments
Owen
November 17, 2007 1:32
Perhaps you could adapt a standard bicycle helmet with a tinfoil and bells arrangement so that the magpies are deterred from attacking and your head is protected.
Ash
November 17, 2007 3:05
As great an idea as that is, I’d much rather walk the long way ’round. You can’t seriously tell me you’d wear a fashion statement like that down the main street in Windsor, can you?
Anyway, I’ve been talking to people in the office, and they reckon they’ve seen people attacked in bicycle helmets too. Magpies are nasty bastards, best avoided if possible.
Owen
November 17, 2007 8:03
Try to make friends with them. There’s a family of magpies that comes to our house to nest each year in our mango trees. I don’t know if its the same parents, or the kids from the previous year come back, but they seem to know and trust us, and they never attack us.
It’s sweet, ’cause they chase away plouvers.